


HOW TO MAKE A WITCHER CAKE

by Fault



Category: Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: And smorgastorte, Recipes, This is a recipe for madness, Weirdness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:08:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23875219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fault/pseuds/Fault
Summary: #GreatWitcherBakeoffWatch this, it'll help this make sense.https://youtu.be/TcN8GCcAAkIIf comedy comes from the ordered devolving into the absurd, what is the name for comedy reordered into the real?Best served with a nice rose. And a sense of humour.
Kudos: 10





	HOW TO MAKE A WITCHER CAKE

WITCHER CAKE 

What is The most important ingredient in baking? That's love. But the second most important ingredient is ingredients. So... buy those.

Equipment:

Fucking cock... I don't really know.  
Big fat metal helmet (large mixing bowls)  
Baking pans  
Other.. 

Ingredients: 

Eggs (a lot of eggs, like, 3 eggs. whole, be sure none are bad)  
Yoghurt (or cream cheese) and/or naan bread (4 rounds)  
Sugar (to taste, oh cock, that's gone bad)  
Flour (from potatoes, maybe? 1tsp)  
Box of wheat biscs. (For moral support)  
Yeah definitely potato flour 1 tsp to thicken.  
Lasagne sheets (3 to 4)  
Desecrated coconut (fresh is ok too)  
Paprika (to decorate)  
Avocadoes (2, Sheppard variety if available)  
Crushed chili (the kind that goes straight to the heart, to taste.)  
Beefs (400g stir fry strips)  
Quinoa (1/4 cup, cooked)  
Good wine (nice)  
Meat 200g (Opposite of cake, pork pate)  
Limes (3 small, 2 large)  
Golden syrup 1tsp  
LEAVES so many Vietnamese mint leaves  
Cucumber and carrot. You pervs. 

Also:  
Cooking oil,  
Frying oil (peanut if tolerated)  
Black pepper.

Method:

Mise en place is for amateurs... and everyone else. Cock it.

2\. We need eggs. Crack eggs into mixing bowl, add tsp of potato flour, and a few twists of cracked pepper. Whisk. Place one egg lots into fry pan, spreading to roughly the size of the naan rounds. Cook for 2-3 minutes, until firm, remove from pan onto cooling plate. Set aside in the fridge once finished.

3\. Make Sure your yoghurt is well cultured by reading it literature. Mic drop the book once you finish. Also drain until firm.

4\. Cut rounds from your prepackaged naan bread, brush with oil. Place onto baking pans, and place into pre-heated oven for 2-3 ?minutes until soft.

5\. Add sugar to mixing bowl with one 1tsp of flour. Now is when you'll need the moral support of your wheat biscs the most. Set the packet next to your mixing bowl, while you leave it to rest. 

6\. Take your lasagne sheets, crack them into attractive shards. Deep fry in hit oil for 30 seconds, or until puffed and floating in the oil. Remove onto paper towel until cool, store in air tight container until needed. We're fucking in business. 

7\. Desecrate your coconut. I reccomend using paprika and golden syrup as a vegan blood sustitute.

8\. Oh cock. This has gone horribly wrong. I also need paprika for decoration.

9\. Slice Avocadoes. Careful! Take care not to cut yourself, drop anything or slip over. A ripe avocado should be able to be cut with a butter knife, and de-seeded with a teaspoon. slice Into lengthways slices, and cover with the juice of one lime. Set aside in fridge for later.

10\. Add crushed chili to the flour and sugar mixture. 

Nb: If you're unsure of the strength of heat in your Crushed chilis, don't panic. You can taste a small amount before adding the desired amount to your sauce, and use more sugar to balance the flavour if it is too hot. Fucking. Thats gone straight to the heart. 

11\. BEEFS. Stir Fry beef strips in a very hot pan with black pepper until browned, add coconut and potato flour mixture, and fish sauce, stir until thick and reduced.

12\. Cook 1/4 cup of quinoa according to packet directions. 

13\. Add wine to the chili sauce. And the juice of the second lime.

Nb: Also, taste as much of the wine as you like before adding it to the sauce. Fuck you, don't you start.

Now us a good time to take your meat pate from the fridge, to allow it to come up to a good spreadable temperature.

14\. Add lime juice and a teaspoon of golden syrup to the chili sauce mix if you want to round out the flavour profile.

15\. Pluck the leaves from your Vietnamese mint. Pluck more than you think you'll need. Pluck so many leaves. 

16\. Do not Be tempted by the cucumber, it and the carrot both need to be lightly pickled in vinegar. Finely slice both before adding to the pickling vinegar.

Shit, fuck, shit. Cock it: Step 1.Turn on the oven to 350 degrees. Wait, never mind, just microwave the bread after dampening.

You're now ready to assemble your Vietnamese style smorgas torte, or 'sandwich cake'. In the business, we call this "buying one from TESCOs" stay with me as we 'edit this out'.

Run  
Run!

17\. Rough it up a bit. And by this I mean mix the quinoa, pickled vegetables and chili sauce mix together to create the 'salad'. 

18\. Gather the naan bread, salad, omelettes, beef, yoghurt and lasagne shards around a central serving plate, for easy assembly.

18\. Put one naan bread round onto the plate, smear it with pate, top it with half the salad, then beef, smear the second naan with pate , press it pate side down onto the beef. 

19\. Now repeat the butter, salad, omelette, beef, and top with final round of pate smeared naan. 

20\. Decorate the top with Avocadoes, sprinkle with paprika and stick the fried lasagne shards in the top in a decorative fashion.. Look, honestly use whatever leaves. 

There you have it. With a little bit of hard work, and a bit of love, you too can create a Witcher cake.

Serving suggestion: Drop on the floor. Eat with hands (while sobbing and questioning your life choices). 

This show stopping treat is a great idea for people who don't even like cake.

Why is the fucking oven on? Shit shit shit shit.

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, this recipe is conceivably a real edible meal. A heck of a lot of work, but essentially it's a glorified, extemporised, bahn mi. If anyone makes this, you have to send me a picture. Please.
> 
> Edit: I made the dang thing and it's delicious. Instructional disaster bake video here:https://youtu.be/RKCOu7vEnW8


End file.
